tonight i feel like dying. tonight i see everything. i see the good, i see the bad, but both hurt jsut as bad, both cut jsut as deep. the good makes me cry, knowing i will never have it, the bad makes me cry even more knowing that i have to live with it. the tears dont stop , they jsut keep coming, while some are for joy and others are for a lost hope, they are still tear and stain my face no matter what kind they are. they imprint themselve onto my cheek, never to leave. a kiss will make me feel better but it wont covor it up. i hug will make me feel loved but it wont hide its otehr side. i dont know what to do. everything i do or say is turned into pain. im setting myslef up to faal down. but im not scared.im not scared to fall, cuz i know i made my way to the top. i tried. i didnt sit and not climb. when u climb you have to faal sooner or later, and now that im down i start up again. im not scared of the pain, im scared of not having the pain. im not scared of falling , im scared of not being able to stand back up. while im sitting here, my friend got back from a date. a perfect date. she is the only thing keeping me going. she is amazing. she is beautiful. people ask me how i can be best friends wiht her. dont i get jealous? no, i dont...i should...everyone should. but she is insecure to, everyone is. people mistake her pretty face for slef esteem too. she came back and i was crying. she doesnt know. she told me about her amazing date, her amazing kiss. and i had to pretend that i was fine. she asked me how i was and i said great. its not that i was scared of feeling the pain, i was scared of her feeling the pain. it was her perfect night and i couldnt ruin it wiht my sobbing, i couldnt do that to her. she would have listening and walked to my house. she would have huged me and kised me on the head and told me it would be alright. but i couldnt do that to her, not after all shes done for me. she is my journal, she is the pages of all my drunken words. but tonight i elt someone borrow her, i let someone else write out their feelings, and now here i am in this journal. it wont hug me or kiss me but it might tell me everythng will be ok, it will lisen, it is full of people that will listen. tonight i want to dispear, but i know that wher ever i go might not have people to love me, so why take that chance?