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because not everyone is perfect... and it hurts.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
because not everyone is perfect... and it hurts.

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Hurting [09 Jan 2007|11:58am]

[ mood | gloomy ]

I am new to this community and wanted to introduce myself. I am 25yrs old and 152.5lbs (and trying to loose). I come from a large family and am considered the black sheep. I have a horrible brother in law that finds pleasure in insulting me and pointing out my flaws (as if I can't already see them). I have a father who is slowly dying of heart failure partly due to his un-managed diabetes (that is an added stress on me and my family).
I get so anxious and upset sometimes that I stop sleeping. I am currently going on like 2 weeks of no sleep. Has anyone tried sleeping pills? Do they work and is there one that is not addictive?
I hate my reflection, but don't know what to do about it. I have acne scars (from previous breakouts) that wont go away (any suggestions?) It does not matter how much makeup I wear I can still tell that my face is not smooth and perfect. I also feel fat all the time. My husband in the past has told me how unattractive he finds obese women. He never directs these comments towards me but I feel that I want to be thinner for him so he will always find me beautiful. I have in the past starved myself to loose weight and find myself doing it again. I don't want to be this way, but it seems to be the quickest way to get the lbs off.
I just want to cry out my frustration sometimes!


[02 Sep 2006|09:26pm]

[ mood | drained ]

Hi. I just joined this community and here are a few things about my self. I'm 15 years old and I am 5ft 4in and I weigh 140. Its not that bad because I am muculer because I skate and everyone thinks I'm like between 120 and 130. I've been trying to loose weight and its not working. When I stoped growing I was 120 and it just keep rising. I tried to loose weight and got down to 125(from
143) but I gained it back. Whats worst is that I am the heaviest out of my friends although I dont look it and even my mother weighs less than me. I hate it! I wake up some mornings telling my self I wont eat or I'll eat little but I always end up eating. I would LOVE to get down to 120. Help?

p.s. I know I already posted this but I had to leave the community because I didnt want my friends to know this because the tell me I look fine and dont need to loose weight. I, obiviously, disagree.


[14 Mar 2006|04:29pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

hello. I'm 15 years old and fat. I've tried bulimia and i have told myself many mornings that i'm not going to eat. Yet I still find myself eating large amounts of food. I hate this. It's a never ending battle. I just want to be skinny like my friends. No i want to be skinnier then my friends. They eat whatever the hell they want and don't gain weight. it pisses me off. I have an ugly face too. Everything about me disgusts me.

I'm 5'7 and weigh 148 lbs.
it disgusts me.

1 opinion - comment

[07 Mar 2006|04:09pm]

Okay. So I'm new here , my name is Brianna , and I'm thirteen turning fourteen in may. And I'm quite sure what to write , but here I go. .
I've cried so much that the tears won't come anymore. I cry myself to sleep every night, and no one even cares. I'm tired of the people who are pretending to be my friend. And I've come to the conclusion that everyday is pretty much a waste of make up. I've come to the conclusion that everybody who says 'You are pretty' are liars. The people who say 'You are skinny' are liars also. Life pretty much sucks for me. I mean , I'm not sure if this is relavant , but everything is jsut horrible. I want to break down. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like such a failure for everything. There is rarely a day where I go to school with cofidence. Even if I do, there is always someone who brings me down, and my self esteem goes lower than rock bottom ; again. Before , I could hide these insecurities better when I had my friends , but I don't even have friends anymore. I'm just like , an outcast now. I'm such a loser. And loner. And ugly.
God , I'm tired of being alone.

. [15 Aug 2005|07:25pm]

have you ever just looked into the mirror and started to cry, well have you? have you ever been sick of that same face staring back at you. do you cry until your head hurts. do you scream inside your head. do you sometimes just want to die

it doesnt matter how much hairdye, or make up i use. i see the same face. my own face haunts me and sometimes i can't sleep at night. sometimes i cry myself to sleep. i look in fashion magazines and wonder if supermodels ever cry. supermodels make me cry, i wonder if people like me make them cry because im so boring.

i look in the mirror everyday, i scrub my face as hard as i can, i weigh myself constantly, i obsessively count my calories, i stand in front of the refrigerator trying to distinguish if i actually feel hunger in my stomach, i am fat, no matter what i do i can't loose weight. im scared of my own shadow, it's too big. im scared of love, but i want it so bad. im scared of everyone i know talking about me behind my back, i live in constant fear, and pain.,, and ive gotten so used to it i almost like it.

nice to meet you, my name is lee.
6 opinions - comment

[08 Aug 2005|12:32am]

Hey all. Um, I'm new to this whole dieting journal thing. But if any of you want to add me - that would be fantastic!

2 opinions - comment

[05 Jun 2005|10:35am]

I am so afraid of what today is going to bring. I haven't been doing to good lately eating wise. I've eaten so much. I know that today is going to be worse. I have so many graduation parties to go to. Matt's nephews are also celebrating their birthdays. I know if I don't eat at his house he will get upset. I'm honestly scared of food. I don't want to be fat anymore. I really need someone to make sure I don't eat too much.

[27 May 2005|05:47am]
My friend told me I was beautiful...I can't believe her. Don't ya think that people you know just say things they don't mean, cuz they don't want to hurt you? I hate when they do that.
1 opinion - comment

[05 May 2005|02:25am]
I'm new here. Ya know I try my best to be pretty, it isn't good enough. I'm overlooked or no one takes any interest in me, and i'm left alone, i'll never be pretty enough!
1 opinion - comment

old and ugly [04 May 2005|05:45am]

tried to make an entry earlier. I am new to Live Journal, dont know how to drive it yet....sorry.

I hate me. I am a bit shy about things and havent talked much about this hatred toward me problem with friends or family. no one understands. they tell you 'you'll get over it'. you dont. i havent and have been struggling since i was a kid. i am now 38. im ugly and there isnt anyone who can change that.

I have a crush on a guy at work, i think he is hot. i told him i had a crush on him. i am so embarassed. im old, ugly, dumb, stupid, and childish......

[17 Apr 2005|07:06pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hey, my name is Laura and I'm 14 (almost 15). I deal with depression everyday.. I'm always obsessing over my looks and constantly looking in the mirror. I am everything I hate, and I failed perfect a long long time ago. I'm just lonely and it hurts. I'm new to this community. So yeah <3.

1 opinion - comment

the oceans in our body [09 Jan 2005|09:15pm]

so i figure im the only one even looks at this, so what is the point? is it like my own private journal now? or will people actually be here when i fall? will people watch me? or will they not even notice. what would be worse? to see me fall and not do anyhitng, or to not even notice as i dissapear completly?
3 opinions - comment

the first time hurts the most [20 Dec 2004|01:53am]

[ mood | crappy ]

why is this happening? this never ending pain? why wont it stop? everyone i know seems to hurt me. everyone. they betray me in some way i didnt find possible. i want to be able to watch a love movie without crying fro fear itll never happen to me. i want to be able to see his face without bursting into tears, knowing he doesnt love me back. i dont want to cry everytime i hear a sad song, i dont want to scream everytime i see a happpy couple. i give up. i give up at love, at life, at art, at music, i give up everything i love, becasue i know it will find a way to hurt me. nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard...im going back to the start. " dont give up, its not ur fualt, ur to young to give up" od shut up!! stop trying to make me feel better, stop trying to make me love myslef. right now...it wont work, maybe in a week, maybe in a day, but not right now. i cant deal with it right now. its christmas, its new years, its frickin life! i want to live it! i dont want to waste it in pain, yet i do anyways?


the scientest [19 Dec 2004|11:01pm]

[ mood | blah ]

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Its only science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.



tonight [18 Dec 2004|11:07pm]

[ mood | confused ]

tonight i feel like dying. tonight i see everything. i see the good, i see the bad, but both hurt jsut as bad, both cut jsut as deep. the good makes me cry, knowing i will never have it, the bad makes me cry even more knowing that i have to live with it. the tears dont stop , they jsut keep coming, while some are for joy and others are for a lost hope, they are still tear and stain my face no matter what kind they are. they imprint themselve onto my cheek, never to leave. a kiss will make me feel better but it wont covor it up. i hug will make me feel loved but it wont hide its otehr side. i dont know what to do. everything i do or say is turned into pain. im setting myslef up to faal down. but im not scared.im not scared to fall, cuz i know i made my way to the top. i tried. i didnt sit and not climb. when u climb you have to faal sooner or later, and now that im down i start up again. im not scared of the pain, im scared of not having the pain. im not scared of falling , im scared of not being able to stand back up. while im sitting here, my friend got back from a date. a perfect date. she is the only thing keeping me going. she is amazing. she is beautiful. people ask me how i can be best friends wiht her. dont i get jealous? no, i dont...i should...everyone should. but she is insecure to, everyone is. people mistake her pretty face for slef esteem too. she came back and i was crying. she doesnt know. she told me about her amazing date, her amazing kiss. and i had to pretend that i was fine. she asked me how i was and i said great. its not that i was scared of feeling the pain, i was scared of her feeling the pain. it was her perfect night and i couldnt ruin it wiht my sobbing, i couldnt do that to her. she would have listening and walked to my house. she would have huged me and kised me on the head and told me it would be alright. but i couldnt do that to her, not after all shes done for me. she is my journal, she is the pages of all my drunken words. but tonight i elt someone borrow her, i let someone else write out their feelings, and now here i am in this journal. it wont hug me or kiss me but it might tell me everythng will be ok, it will lisen, it is full of people that will listen. tonight i want to dispear, but i know that wher ever i go might not have people to love me, so why take that chance?


me. [20 Nov 2004|11:09pm]

[ mood | drained ]

trust....i cant seem to trust neone..i try...put when i start to..they stab me in the back....goddamn i hate ppl do damn much...

o btw..i cut .and i gots an ed..depression...suicide..drink..pop pills...o and im 17, names namoi..and i live in a hell hole in tx..im prolly the sweetest person ull ever meet...yeah..heh..

i cant stand hypocrites..judgemental ppl...i dont like "happy"...

6 opinions - comment

new...here.. [17 Nov 2004|09:55pm]

[ mood | numb... ]

hi...im sorta new at this whole community thing..so yeah...umm..my names naomi im 17...and i battle daily w/ my reflection...like i said im new at this..so just ask me nething..and ill respond..thanx..

4 opinions - comment

poll... [17 Oct 2004|05:35pm]

what if you think that you're straight, but would consider dating a girl?
6 opinions - comment

hi, i'm new too [30 Sep 2004|02:14pm]

wow, i just read the poem on the community page and it made me so sad. it's so true. i was updating my journal today, and i put desire in my likes. and found you guys. i just start my first relationship ever 7 months ago. and it's really hard. i have a hard time liking me and i often don't understand why my boyfriend does. i am not very good with men, due to my father loving us, but being very scary and often physically abusive. i know he didn't mean it, but am 21 and still afraid of my professors. god, this is making me cry. but i hope to post here more.
2 opinions - comment

Hi Im new! [14 Sep 2004|11:01pm]

[ mood | jealous ]

I plan on telling you guys more about myself but right now I need to express some feelings of jealousy. I tend to be really insecure about myself, but only on and off. My bf drives me crazy, I am sooo in love with him and he feels the same about me. I wanted to tell him everytime I felt jealous rather then holding it in and feeling shitty. So I do but this time its really getting to me. Maybe im just a nut?! THis girl that my bf just met left him a message,... telling him she jsut wanted to say hi to her new buddy, told him to smile and left little X's and O's. NOthing tooo big right? Why's it making me sooo jealous?

...I just turned 19, the 9th. My childhood was gloomy just like a lot of people its left me damaged. And I should have learned to deal by now but i havnt. I moved out of my house at 18 to avoid the things that were going on and to get away fromt he stress. It drove me to do thigns to myself i shouldnt have. Its hard having your own apartment and a roommate who's an obsessive compulsive cleaner, on a part -time paycheck. After months of braggin and beggin and making me feel bad my grandmother has convince dme to move back. I m hoping things will be different. Im starting to regret it though.

Theres more to tell but i figure ill let it out in time rather then all at once,....

Im really looking forward to the entries in this group.

4 opinions - comment

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